Please don't ring the doorbell...

That's what I want to shout out to the world, "PLEASE, Don't Ring The Door Bell!" Not only because at many times through out the day, there is usually a baby sleeping or trying to go to sleep but because with every car door I hear, every telephone ring that sounds and especially, every knock at the door or bell that chimes through these walls, there is a part of me that holds my breath, my heart stops beating for a split second and I think, could this be it...could this be the day that I am the family contacted because their soldier has been wounded, or worse, is no longer with us...

In this day and age, military families have so many more ways of being able to communicate while overseas than they used to. I am so blessed to be able to hear from you as often as I do, to know you're still alive, to be able to tell you that I Love You one more time and to let our son hear your voice as often as possible. But with that comes knowing that when I don't hear from you as I usually would, that most likely means tradegy has struck someone and somewhere near You. I don't wish that fate on anyone under any circumstance but in that moment, those 12, 24 or 48 hours or however long it may take until I hear from you again, all I can do is pray that You are not the unfortunate one and that We, your wife and our two beautiful boys, are not the family that the Military is on their way to contact.

So, here we are again...Tradegy has struck multiple times during this last week and every phone call we've shared has pretty much been a quick, two minute, "I'm alive, safe and going to bed. I will call you tomorrow when we should have some more time to talk." Then, tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes...I go to bed knowing if it had been a normal day, the day you thought it would be, I would have heard from you probably mid morning, possibly afternoon and sure enough, before my night came to an end. Yet, I'm lying in bed, trying to fall asleep so I can just get this day over with and hope to hear from you yet again, tomorrow...I eventually do get to sleep with the last thoughts running through my head, "Please God, just let him be o.k." I wake up in the morning, knowing that the more time that continues to go by only reinforces that tradegy has struck and as every hour does continue to pass, more and more of me continues to worry and the level of worry continues to grow. I start to check my cell phone every few minutes, I hear a car door shut and I look outside to make sure that a strange car with uniformed men getting out of it isn't sitting in my drive way. If the door bell rings, I panick and when I see that it's just the mailman, I start to cry. When the phone rings, I look at the caller ID, praying it's one of the many out of area numbers that have shown up in the past from your previous calls. When it's not, I just feel disappointed and sad. And this, today, is the third "tomorrow" in a row, also in the last week and a half, that I was supposed to hear from you and never did.

I feel like a basket case. I worry if I am affecting Lil' Justin. I feel like I'm failing at this, that I should be and need to be stronger and I have no idea how I am going to make it another 11 months, being that's only been 43 days since you left. At first, I worried if I missed you enough and now...well, now, I'd just give anything to get you back home where I know you are safe. I guess a piece of me also just feels out of control. Before, I always did everything I could to protect my family but now, there's nothing I can do to protect you. And not only can I not protect you but I cannot protect my boys from losing you. All we can do is hope, pray and wait and it just doesn't seem like enough.

As I write this, I also worry that when you read this, it may make you feel bad or depressed and I don't want to do that. I don't want to bring you down and I deeply apologize if I do. But I have to talk...I have to talk to someone...I have to talk to you and right now, this is the only way I can.

I need to vent, I need to release these feelings yet I don't want to seem weak by having to call on others going through the same situation and for anyone else, it seems that they couldn't possibly understand because their not going through the same thing. But most importantly, it's because I need to hear from You. I need to know You are ok. I want to not be afraid when the door bell rings again and until I hear your voice, that won't be possible. So, until it is, this is what I have and I hope you understand. I hope that when you eventually read this, you are able to understand what I am going through. I wish I could understand more of what you are going through and I feel selfish for having to share all of this with you. But with that said, I need to share this with you because you are my person, the one I share all my inner thoughts with and so in that, you should look at it as a compliment! :)

All I know is that I love you. I need you but more than that, the boys need you. So, I am going to head off to bed here in a minute and pray that tomorrow's phone call really does come tomorrow and that your voice is on the other end. I am going to try to go to bed with confidence knowing that our life is truly just beginning and that our destiny holds way too much for it to come to an abrupt ending now, that we have a future to look forward to and with that, that I know I will hear from You tomorrow and that You will return to us alive and unharmed when this next year comes to an end. So, please world-don't ring the door bell; please, God, let my husband and father of my children be alright; and please, Justin, reach me somehow, some way, as soon as you can, to let us know you're ok! We Love You!

A Family Dedication

This blog is dedicated to Our Family, The Graves'!

Most importantly, this is also a personal dedication to my husband and my children, as I will probably be doing most of the blog postings while my husband is away. I would like to give my husband an easy and fun way to keep up on family pictures and videos during these next many difficult months. I want Daddy Justin to know just how much he is loved and missed.

We've been together since May 26, 2003 and married May 21, 2005 and let me tell you, it has been a long five and a half years!!! I think we've been through more than the average 26 and 28 year old, some of it we brought on ourselves and onto each other and some has just been unfortunate and unfortelling circumstances that could not be avoided. Somehow though, we've weathered the storms and through it all, managed to hang on to each other.

Even during the most devastating months of our lives when we didn't know if I would survive, and more importantly, if our first born would survive a pregnancy cut three and a half months short,

somehow we not only pulled together and did survive but we triumphed as a family of 3 and recently were lucky enough to add another little boy to make us a happy, little family of four!

Our lives have undoubtedly changed in ways I could have never imagined and continue to surprise me almost on a daily basis. No doubt, the last two years since Lil' Justin's unexpected and extremely early arrival, our lives have really been turned upside down and we've had to make some major changes. The biggest of those changes has been your enlistment into the United States Army just one year ago on January 4, 2008, finding out I was pregnant for the 2nd time just a week after your departure to BCT and now, your current deployment into a dangerous other world, taking you so far from me, from our home, and from our two precious boys....

Needless to say, the last five years have truly been a non-stop roller coaster, never knowing what was going to be coming at us next. And yet, through it all, we're still here, alive, standing on two feet, raising two wonderful children and still hanging onto each other. So, this is to you, this is to me. This is to our our boys...to our beautiful family. You may be a half a world away but You remain in our hearts everyday! Just make sure You come back to Us as We will always be awaiting your return...